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Hiding between the trees...waiting
Wednesday, September 14, 2005 07:56 p.m.
my grandma turned 89 years old today...i can barely believe that she's 89 years old this year. not only does her getting older shock me, but it makes me realize that i'm getting older too...i'm going to be 19 in about 3 weeks. when i was born, she brought me home, loved me, and took WONDERFUL care of me. now it's my turn to try to do those things for her...i'm not sure if i'm as good at taking care of her as she was of me, but i do my best.
i talked to her and it broke my heart. you see, my grandma has alzheimer's and isn't always sure what day it is, the year, the president, simple things, but she never forgets me. sometimes i feel like such a failure bc i don't make it out there to see her as much as i wish i could but we talk all the time and that's okay with her...but it's not okay with me. i wish that i could see her every day, look into her eyes and tell her that i love her the way she always did for me when i was a kid.
she has always been a wonderful woman, but she is not the woman that i lived my entire life with...she's different and she's aware of it. i cry and i cry and i cry about how much i miss her. she's not gone really, but her mind is so far away so much of the time and it breaks my little heart and there's nothing that i can do about it. i guess i don't understand how you can live such a life, full of promise and stories and then get older and remember none of it.
i've been kinda sad all week b/c i've known her birthday was coming, but today when i talked to her, i burst into tears...i'm not a huge crier, by any standards, at least not where other people can see me and i felt like such a child bc i let hannah see me cry...i never let people see me cry, but i failed this time...omg i hate that i failed, but i did...
i must go, my heart aches, as much as my eyes and my soul...more later, i guess.
Saturday, August 20, 2005 08:18 p.m.
I've come a hell of a long way from the 14 year old little scared girl I was when I started high school and here I am, an almost 19 year old woman who's beginning the rest of her life...
Here I am, already moved into college, when for a long time I wasn't sure if I was even going to live to make it to college and there was also a time I wasn't sure if I wanted to...and even though I sometimes think about all the things that scar me as a person, I'm genuinely glad that I'm here right now b/c if I weren't, I would have missed out on so many things and I'm aware of this...so thanks to all those people who were really, truly, sincerely there for me during my darkest hours and those people who promise they will always be that b/c that means more than you'll ever realy know I think.
I'm also glad that one of my best friends is my roommate. I've met a lot of awesome people here, but I'm really delighted that we can experience our first real time away from home with each other; that makes the transition even easier I think.
I've learned a lot in the past four years of high school and I'm hoping that college will teach me just as much, if not more; not just academically, but also socially and spiritually...
To all the wonderful people that have touched, brightened and otherwise changed my life, thank you...thank you for being you and while I say that a lot, my words will never be sufficient enough to really get my point across. Thank you once more and here's to another wonderful phase in my life!
Saturday, July 2, 2005 11:38 p.m.
School starts in about a month, move in is less than a month and summer is half over, as quick as it managed to arrive...sometimes I wonder "where did the four years go?" "where did the summer go?" and other times I don't ask b/c I remember what happened to them--I lived! I've been living, learning, experiencing...and even though I've made some mistakes and hurt some feelings, those people that know me the most realize that sometimes I'm just stupid and act before thinking...
I also haven't bought anything for college/my dorm yet. I'm waiting on the first bill to bring itself on in. I'm kinda worried; I hope that there's a grace period of all first semester to pay your bill b/c then that would rock, but if not, then I'll just work around and work through that, as I try to do with most hard things.
Going off to college is one of the hardest and most important journeys I've ever embarked on, but I'm willing and I'm ready...
For someone right now, in particular, the message is relatively simple: I love you. You are such a major part of my life and sometimes I'm just an idiot and under think things before letting them come out of my mouth, but even though that's sometimes true, I can't imagine life without you. You have helped shape the woman that I am so much to this very day and we have learned so much together. I love you <3
At any rate, I hope that everything is going okay for everybody else and that things are progressing in the manners we've all hoped; so little time left before school starts!
Friday, June 17, 2005 12:37 a.m.
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Your Birthdate: October 4 |
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Being born on the 4th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer.
You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize.
Sincere and honest, you are a serious and hard working individual.
Your feelings are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times.
The number 4 has something of an inhibiting effect on your ability to show and express affections, as feeling are very closely regulated and controlled.
You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details.
There is a good deal of rigidity and stubbornness associated with the number 4. |
Friday, June 3, 2005 11:14 a.m.
| Your Expression Number is 4 | | Practical and down to earth - everything in your life is organized.
You are a great writer and teacher. You never forget a detail.
Very patient, you have the ability to cultivate talents in difficult fields.
You also tend to have an artistic side. You'd make a great architect or classical musician.
You face your responsibilities with a positive attitude - and you always get things done.
You are serious, sincere, honest, and faithful.
Sometimes your strong sense of responsibility leads to frustration.
You also tend to develop strong likes and dislikes, which border on dogmatism.
At you're worst, you can be a dominant disciplinarian. |
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 06:02 p.m.
The time is drawing nearer; my commencement exercises will take place on Monday, June 6th...four whole years and I'm finally here and while I'm excited, I'm also sad b/c today was class day for my Beaumontsers and I think of all the awards given out....oh to think that I could have been there and gotten some!
My entire life I've been told to never look back and only look forward, but when your past is what's bothering you now, you can't help but tilt your head to the right or the left, take a peek and wonder...wonder...wonder about what's going on in your life and what you could have done to change those things, you know?
Oh well; I can't complain really. I still have all my Beaumont buddies, going to college with one of my bestest <3 (My one and only Banananutmuffin) and going to college close to some other awesome buddies, which means we'll get to see each other more, so no, I should be happy and without complaints. Don't get me wrong, I am happy, but when you know that there is more, you also want more and that makes you greedy...lol
College starts in almost no time; even though it feels like a long time right now, it's really right around the corner. Dude...time flies when you're having fun and I've had so much fun these past four years that it feels like a week; thank you <3
Sunday, May 15, 2005 12:42 a.m.
Friday was "Orientation day" and I registered for my classes for my first semester of college...I can hardly believe that in less than 3 months I am going to be living on campus with my bestest bud and be a college student...
My first semester I'm only taking 13 credit hours so that I can get used to the entire college environment and second semester I'll take about 16 credit hours and work up from there.
In case you guys don't know, I'm a double major in English and Psychology :) and after college I plan on writing books about psychology, doing seminars, and teaching psychology at the college level and perhaps even publishing a volume of my poetry. Yeah, that sounds really dorky I'm sure, but I've always loved words and I have always loved psychology so it feels right for me.
My entire life my mom has told me that time flies when you're having fun my mom always says and over these past four years of high school I have had so much fun and met so many awesome people that continually bless my life every single day, just by existing.
Over the summer I plan on working full time and getting in as much over time as I can get and then while I'm in school I plan on continuing to work at Friendly's at least twice week (I'm thinking mostly weekends as I don't have classes on Fridays) as well as babysitting some kids in Pepper Pike if anybody needs me. I plan on working really hard this summer so that when fall comes, just about all my books will be paid for and working during the school year to pay for expenses of different things (cell phone bill, gas for my car, credit cards, misc. fun things, lol) and to save for my subsequent years of college, lol. It's always best to think ahead my mom says.
I have been under so much stress lately that you wouldn't believe...first and foremost, graduating from high school is a stressful task...my parents haven't been as understanding about things as they should be and that, in and of itself, puts me under even MORE stress, and then there is something else so massive in my personal life that I'm not coping well AT ALL with it...my grandma, one of the closest people to me is going to have to go into a group home for old people once I move out for college and it hurts me so much.
First I think that I should say that she has dementia and is confused about things but is pretty much intact but that it just wouldn't be safe for her to be alone with me gone, so that's the plan. It sucks for me (because it completely breaks my heart and shatters my soul) but it's the right thing to do and I realize this, so I have to put my personal thoughts aside and do the best thing for her, which I know she would always do for me.
Yeah...so that's what's breaking me down so much right now. Sorry if I've been a complete bore right now, but I'm trying so hard to cope with such a life altering event.
And to my best friend: my words aren't enough to thank you for EVERYTHING. I appreciate everything more than you can ever realize. Thanks for being you <3
And now a quiz that describes me pretty accurately, except for the last bit b/c I'm always willing and open to love, lol
The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to good manners and elegance. |
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In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. |
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You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
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You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. |
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Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
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Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
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You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
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In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered. |
Friday, May 6, 2005 11:48 a.m.
Yesterday was senior cut day...you know what that means, not going to school, lol. It was also Bean's birthday, so we hung out at the mall for a while and then I went to work; a good day and as always, it was awesome to see her.
I can't believe that we are here...that we are almost at the point of where we will be walking across that stage...feels like it hasn't been long enough for that yet, but it has been. I'm so excited about going off to college and my awesome roomie but also worried about different things, but that's something that just comes with the territory.
As many of you know, I'm no longer going to prom. You know that I'm not a fancy girl and am really self conscious and everything and my date is going to his own prom with someone supposedly very special to him, so I guess that I also didn't want to intrude on that, so yeah, I'm not going, but we might go on a date or something instead; not sure yet.
Ugg...my grandmother is in the same, if not a worse place than she was the last time that I updated. It's not that she's sick, b/c she's not, but she has dementia and could very well have Alzheimer's but I'm not certain; blah...
My grandmother worries me more everyday...always my fondest memories of her will remain b/c she is the embodiment of wonderfulness to me. There are few people as lovely and as wonderful as she is and I feel so completely blessed to have her in my life and when the time comes for her to depart, I'll try to not be sad and think only of how much she means to me, as she means so much.
Soulmate, I wish that we weren't fighting right now as we always seem to be and that I could just rest in your loving arms and you would swear to me that everything was just fine...<3. Even though we're not together right now and we aren't really talking, I hope that whatever you're doing right now, makes you happy. I love you <3
Saturday, April 23, 2005 12:18 a.m.
I’m going to college in the fall…I’m going to be about 20 minutes from home, and I’m going to be rooming with my Banana and we’re excited: both gotten accepted, sent our room and board deposits, our parents are being supportive and understanding that this is a stressful time in our lives, we work and are learning how to/practicing how to be self reliant; sounds good, right? Sounds like everything should be fine right? But I have a major concern…my grandma is 88 years old and she will not be able to live at home by herself anymore. My grandma might have to go into a nursing home, but I’m hoping that she will be able to move in with my aunt who doesn’t live that far from us.
My grandma is one of the most influential people I have ever met in my life; she has taught me more lessons than all my years of schooling and more lessons than I think schooling will ever be able to give.
All of my friends love my grandma; she’s sweet, kind, and loving…even though she’s lived here for almost 50 years, she still has her southern accent and demonstrates her southern hospitality in every aspect of her life; I can’t imagine life without her and realizing that the time is drawing nearer, and that as I get older, that means she’s also getting older, and that getting older means dying, scares the FUCK out of me…
I’ve actually expressed to her that I’m scared about her dying and she tells me that there’s nothing to fear; that she has lived a rich and full life and continues to do so and that she won’t be going anywhere until God gets ready for her. I realize this, accept this, and understand all of this, but damn it, that doesn’t make it easier.
I use each day to tell her that I love her, that I care about her, and that I’m glad she’s around because she’s taught me to live each day as my last and one day I’ll be right, and she lives each day as her last because one day she’ll be right…I’m not sure how I’ll deal with her last day if it’s her before me, but I hope that from heaven she’ll hold my hand and lead me down the road of healing, because God knows I’m not gonna know what to do without her.
Monday, April 18, 2005 11:41 a.m.
Back to school; spring break is over. I can barely believe it was the last spring break of my high school career...yikes, lol. I worked and did homework and prepared for college in some ways. I got my senior pictures back...and they are...AWESOME so I can't wait to show you guys and give you yours, lol.
Even though I'm not a really fancy girl, I'm excited about prom. A part of me can barely believe that I'm going b/c it's so not my thing, but it's something that you can only experience once in this manner as a senior in high school, so I figure why not and plus I know that my mother wants me to go and yeah, lol.
The weather is nice and staying nice for once; yay for Cleveland! Usually our weather is so depresssing here, but no complaints for once.
Okies, that's all for now and I'll update on a more regular basis, or at least try to.
Friday, April 1, 2005 01:21 p.m.
It's a lovely Friday afternoon. I had the night off last night and I'm training this girl. I told my boss that she wasn't ready to be out there on the floor by herself and someone told her that it's my fault that she's not serving, but my boss agreed with me that she's not ready and said that I was just giving feedback, so hopefully today when I go in there won't be any problems, b/c I'm honestly not in the mood for them.
I have pretty nice people that work with me, I have to say. Of course, as with everywhere else, there are a select few people that I'm not particularly fond of, but for the most part I get along with and like the people that I work with, so I can't really complain.
Much to my shock, I have an early day tomorrow. I start work at noon and then I'm done at 8:30 which means that I have time to go home and sleep like a baby in order to wake up on time to go to work on Sunday, lol.
I realize that my stomach hurts really, really badly; I'm not sure why but it does, lol. Maybe I'm hungry? Maybe I'm still tired from not getting enough rest? I'm not sure, but whatever it is I hope that it goes away soon b/c I'm missing out on quality life moments, lol.
At any rate, this was a rambling entry; not sure why I wrote it; just wanted to clear my head or something like that; I'll write more later and talk to you guys soon.
Thursday, March 31, 2005 03:10 p.m.
Hiya there :) I know that it felt like I would never update, but you know that life gets busy and even when we want to do things, we rarely can do them as we planned, so luckily for me and excitingly for you, I got to update today.
I did something really interesting today; I went back in time and scanned our old journal entries...I can definitely tell how we've grown over the past four years. We wrote about silly things and we used our blogs to fight with each other and then make up and then fight again, and now we use them to really and truly update...how we've grow in four years. It doesn't seem as if that much time has passed since we first met, but it has. I can't believe that April starts tomorrow; we are in the final leg of our senior year...can you believe it? Can you believe that we are really and truly just about done?
I mean, it seems as if I just graduated from 8th grade and couldn't wait to start at Beaumont and then boom I was there and my 2 years there went by so quickly b/c of my stupidity and horrendous childhood....but that's okay, I still have you guys and that makes up for it. But I no longer have the splendor of saying where I go to school, now it's just school and not Beaumont school for girls...yeah that's what happens when you don't do things as they should be done, but I am not completely to blame.
At any rate, my senior pictures should be ready this month...I'm hella excited as I can't wait to hand them out.
Okies, gotta go do some laundry; will write more later; love you all.
Friday, March 18, 2005 12:53 p.m.
Happy belated birthday my darling banana-nut-muffin. Yes, I called and wished happy birthday, but wanted to write it here as well.
I can't believe that you are finally 18 Banana....yikes; time flies when you're having fun and these past four years have been so much fun and the next four years will be a ton of fun too. I can only imagine how much fun college will be and I'm so glad that you're going to be my roomie *HUGS*
And happy belated St. Patrick's day as well. I had to work, so I didn't get to be too festive, but I had fun anyhow b/c I made some money, which is always a lovely thing and someone called me and asked me could I come in and work for them on Saturday, and even though I was off b/c I requested off so that I could have some personal time, I said that I would go in b/c more money could never hurt and the person I'm coming in for really wants to do something else, so that's just me being the nice person that I am, lol.
I can't believe that most of us are pretty much all grown up now at 18 years of age...damn! I remember when we were just mere freshman, almost 4 years ago and just meeting each other. I never thought that we would love each other like we do or need each other like we do, but here we are, here we are and I can't imagine anything better.
We've fallen in love, missed each other, fought with each other and seen each other through some really tough times. We've hated each other's significant others, had crushes on them, but most of all just wanted each other to be happy and that's a beautiful thing. I can honestly not think of a better bunch of people to be so close to and if I had to start all over and pick you guys myself, I'd pick you b/c I know how awesome and beautiful all of you are and I thank you.
Wednesday, March 9, 2005 01:51 p.m.
Yesterday I had my measurements taken for my prom dress; yay! I'm not going to give out details b/c I want it to be a shock but I'll show you guys the picture of it when the seamstress sends it back to me b/c I got the picture from a magazine, lol. I'm so excited; Justin, even though you don't like to dance, I'm sure that we'll have a great time just the same
It's so hard for me to believe that senior year is already here and half over. Sometimes I'm so standoffish about some things and I realize that I need to wake up to them and be more attentive towards them and that's something that I'm going to work on b/c it's something I noticed that bothers me about myself.
At any rate, I'll conclude for now and write more later.
Thursday, March 3, 2005 11:23 a.m.
Sunday I went to the movies with Justin--we saw Electra; thanks hun, it was fun and it was great to see you as always.
In addition, things have been getting better with my person and we have been getting along better and being more open with our feelings and emotions and everything so I'm really glad of that; I'm hoping that things get back to normal and when we talked, we both said that we think that at some point they will, so I'm really hoping that they do.
I've been talking to Wayne lately and he's been on my mind a lot; I decided that I would write something for him here. For you, Wayne: I know that you are hurting and that you feel your world crashing down around you, but I want to assure you that time heals all wounds and that even though it feels really bad right now, that when your feelings aren't as passionate and on the surface, you can think more clearly. At any rate, if you two are meant to be, you will be. Think about this as a test for you guys to check and make sure you're still together.
My darling Banananutmuffin, I know that you are going through a hard time as well...trust me, I am all too aware of what you are going through, but regardless of all of that, I'm here for you, to love you and listen and be a shoulder to cry on and hands to dry your tears.
Stevo, I'm glad that you are being such a great friend through all of this; I'm sure that in some ways you feel that you are the monkey in the middle, but your caring concern means more than you can ever realize; even to me.
Enough of that; that's all that I'll say about the situation; it's not my business nor really my place to say anything about it, I just don't want anybody to have any hard feelings or be hurting b/c I care about you all so much.
At any rate, see you guys at oldie's dance on Saturday :)
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 11:18 a.m.
Just b/c two people love each other doesn't mean that it's enough, but I'm hoping that we'll manage to work things out...you know that I love you and what love endures...all my thoughts are of you and I'm so completely yours...just because two people love each other doesn't mean that it's enough, but it has been before and I'm hoping that it'll manage to be again...
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